A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him and says, “Welcome! We’ve been expecting you. You’ve done a lot of good in the world.” The lawyer is confused. “Good? But I died so young, only 45!” St. Peter looks at his clipboard and says, “According to our records, based on your billing hours, you’re 98 years old.”
A man asks a lawyer, “What’s your fee?” The lawyer replies, “$200 for three questions.” The man says, “That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” The lawyer responds, “Yes, it is. Now, what’s your third question?”
A lawyer and an engineer are arguing about which profession is older. The engineer says, “Well, God created the world out of chaos in six days. That was an act of engineering!” The lawyer shrugs and says, “Yes, but who created the chaos?”
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Why did the lawyer refuse to play hide-and-seek? Because he knew he’d always be found in contempt.
An old lawyer is asked by a young associate, “What’s the secret to your success?” The old lawyer replies, “Two things: first, I always read my contracts very carefully. Second, I never reveal all my secrets.”
A lawyer calls his client and says, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you were acquitted! The bad news is, the judge said, ‘Don’t do it again.'”
Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Why do lawyers make bad comedians? Because they can’t tell a joke without adding five disclaimers.
A judge asks a lawyer, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” The lawyer replies, “I’ll do my best, Your Honor, given the constraints of the legal system.”
A lawyer goes on vacation to a remote island. He finds a small hut and asks the local elder, “How do you resolve disputes here?” The elder replies, “Oh, we talk them out, find common ground, and agree on a fair solution.” The lawyer nods. “Interesting. What happens if someone disagrees?” The elder shrugs, “Then we bring in the lawyer from the next island over.”
