Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!

My bike mechanic told me I needed new brakes. I told him, “No breaks! I’m on a tight schedule!”

Why did the bike go to therapy? It had too much chain anxiety.

A cyclist is pulled over by a police officer. The officer says, “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?” The cyclist replies, “No, officer, I don’t. Was I going too fast?” The officer sighs, “No, you were riding with no hands, no helmet, and you were juggling flaming torches. And you had a parrot on your shoulder yelling obscenities.” The cyclist shrugs, “Well, I was just trying to have some fun!”

I joined a cycling club. The welcome packet included a waiver, a map, and a tube of chamois cream.
I’m still not sure if I joined a sports club or a cult with suspiciously smooth thighs.

I went on a blind date with a cyclist.
Everything was going great until she said, “I only date people who can hold 22 mph on a climb.”
I said, “I only date people who believe in gravity.”

Why did the bicycle break up with the treadmill?
Because it couldn’t handle a relationship that went nowhere.

I asked my date if she wanted to go tandem biking.
She said she preferred relationships where one person wasn’t doing all the work.

My bike has more gear than I do.
Seriously, it’s got 21 speeds, disc brakes, and electronic shifting.
Meanwhile, I’m riding in gym shorts and praying I remembered deodorant.

My bike got stolen last week.
The thief left a note: “Sorry, but this ride deserved better than you.”

Cyclists are like cats.
They’re sleek, independent, occasionally hissy, and when they fall, they pretend it was on purpose.

My friend bought a $5,000 bike and now rides 3 miles every other Sunday.
At that rate, he’ll break even sometime in the 28th century.

I got pulled over on my bike for speeding.
I asked the cop if I was really going that fast. He said, “No, but your outfit is a crime.”

I tried group riding, but the only thing I learned was how to apologize while gasping,
“Sorry… can’t keep up…”

My bike is like my therapist.
It listens without judgment, supports me when I’m down, and lets me scream into the wind without anyone calling the police.

I asked a cyclist how long it takes to get used to the saddle.
He said, “About six months. Then the numbness becomes part of your personality.”

You know you’re a cyclist when your tan lines look like you fell asleep in a cage.

My kid asked why I ride my bike so much.
I said, “Because it’s the only time I can hear my own thoughts.”
He said, “That’s sad, Dad.”
I said, “I know. Now go fetch my helmet.”

What do you call a cyclist who doesn’t wear a helmet? An organ donor.

What do you call a bicycle built by a chemist? Bike-carbonate of soda.

Why did the cyclist bring a map to the velodrome? He kept going in circles.

What’s the difference between a cyclist and a fish? One has scales, the other has wheels.