Two dogs are talking. One says, “I love being a dog! We get free food, belly rubs, and endless walks!” The other dog sighs. “Yeah, but I’m tired of being called ‘Good Boy.’ I want to be called ‘Excellent Gentleman’ for once.”

A dog walks into a post office, walks up to the counter, and says, “I’d like to send a telegram.” The clerk, surprised, says, “A dog? Sending a telegram? What do you want it to say?” The dog replies, “Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.” The clerk counts the woofs and says, “That’s nine woofs. You know, for the same price, you could add one more ‘woof’ and make it ten.” The dog looks at him and says, “But then it wouldn’t make any sense!”

A dog goes to a fancy restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter, surprised, asks, “Are you going to eat that with a knife and fork?” The dog barks, “Of course not! I’m a dog, I’ll eat it with my paws!”

My dog thinks the vacuum cleaner is trying to eat us. I wish I had that level of loyalty in a relationship.

My dog is an emotional support animal. Mostly for himself.

What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador!

My dog used to chase people on a bike. Then I took his bike away.

Why don’t dogs make good doctors?
Because every time they hear “CAT scan,” they lose their minds.

Why don’t dogs make good doctors?
They keep burying the lab results.

Why don’t dogs make good doctors?
They diagnose everything as “not enough treats.”

Why don’t dogs make good doctors?
They insist on licking every wound no matter who it belongs to.

What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion? A terrified Fed Ex driver!

How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in the back yard!

I brought my dog to a pet psychic.
She said, “He’s feeling ignored.” I said, “He’s sitting on my lap.”
She said, “He wants emotional attention.”
I said, “He just farted and licked his butt.”
She refunded me.

My dog barks at delivery people like he’s defending the nation.
But if they pet him, he instantly betrays me and shows them where we keep the snacks.