See also: 10 Weird Facts About Neil deGrasse Tyson
Neil deGrasse Tyson walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?” Neil replies, “A glass of water. But only if you accurately account for the 4×10−13 mole fraction of D2O you are serving me.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson was fired from his job as a barista because he kept insisting that the coffee cup was actually “mostly empty space.”
Why did Neil deGrasse Tyson break up with his girlfriend? She claimed the Earth was the center of his universe, and he found the assertion unscientific.
What’s Neil’s favorite part of a joke? The part where he fact-checks the premise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson was pulled over for speeding. The officer asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Neil said, “I have a general idea, but according to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, the more accurately I measure my momentum, the less accurately I know my position relative to the patrol car.”
A movie producer told Neil he wanted to make a sci-fi film where a spaceship travels faster than light. Neil said, “I’m sorry, I can only consult on movies where the physics are merely implausible, not fundamentally incorrect.”
I asked Neil deGrasse Tyson what his least favorite planet was. He said, “Pluto. Just kidding, I find its reclassification as a ‘dwarf planet’ perfectly defensible based on its orbit and mass ratio.” (He then smiled very slightly.)
You know you’ve met Neil deGrasse Tyson when your conversation is less about feelings and more about escape velocity.
Neil deGrasse Tyson doesn’t say “Bless you” when you sneeze. He says, “Gesundheit, a fascinating linguistic artifact, though biologically, a sneeze is merely an involuntary expulsion of air.”
How does Neil deGrasse Tyson organize a party? He focuses on the distribution of mass to maximize gravitational stability.
What did Neil deGrasse Tyson say when he dropped his phone? “Fascinating. The Earth’s gravitational pull seems to be functioning within expected parameters.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson only wears bow ties because neckties are geometrically inefficient.
What’s Neil’s advice for looking at the bright side? “The bright side is merely a region of high photon flux. Try to maintain a cosmic perspective instead.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson walked into a restaurant and ordered a steak, but then he sent it back. Why? Because the chef claimed it was “out of this world,” and Neil found the statement factually erroneous.
Neil deGrasse Tyson stood up against injustice with a sign in his yard that read: “All Lives are Matter.”
My mom told me Neil deGrasse Tyson was talking about me. I panicked! She clarified, “No, he was talking about how carbon-based life forms are inherently fragile.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson never gets lost. He simply determines his precise coordinates within the observable universe.
What’s Neil’s least favorite type of art? Anything that depicts two people kissing in space without acknowledging the lack of atmospheric pressure.
Neil deGrasse Tyson was asked about his greatest fear. He said, “A scientifically illiterate populace… and also running out of coffee.”
Did you hear about Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new line of clothing? It’s designed to be thermodynamically efficient and cosmically tasteful.
When Neil plays darts, he doesn’t aim for the bullseye. He aims for the barycenter of the board’s mass.
When Neil deGrasse Tyson looks at a shooting star, it apologizes for being unscientific.
Neil deGrasse Tyson once told a joke about gravity. It was so heavy, it pulled everyone in.
Why did the Sun invite Neil deGrasse Tyson over for dinner?
It needed help with its fusion recipe.
When Neil deGrasse Tyson says “Pluto isn’t a planet,” Pluto sends him a strongly worded ice crystal.
Neil deGrasse Tyson once stared into the abyss — and the abyss got a lecture on astrophysics.
Neil deGrasse Tyson can explain quantum mechanics using only breakfast cereal.
Neil deGrasse Tyson once told a joke about relativity. It was funny, but only from certain frames of reference.
Neil deGrasse Tyson’s favorite planet is Earth… because it’s where his audience lives.
Neil deGrasse Tyson doesn’t say “bless you” when you sneeze. He explains the airflow dynamics instead.
The universe keeps expanding because it’s trying to make more room for Neil deGrasse Tyson’s explanations.
