A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

My wife asked me, “Did you even hear what I just said?” I said, “Of course. It was a fascinating story, and the main character, who bears a striking resemblance to you, made some very valid points.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.

My wife says I have two main faults: I don’t listen, and something else she was telling me about.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Oh, I don’t know, dear. Just give me something with diamonds.” So I got her a deck of cards.

Marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, and a whole lot of other qualities you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.

The secret to a long marriage is to have a good sense of humor and a separate tube of toothpaste.

My wife and I have a great system. I handle all the big decisions, and she handles all the small ones. In twenty years, we haven’t had to make a single big decision.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man replies, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Marriage is not just a word. It’s a sentence… a life sentence.

My wife asked me if I would still love her if she was old, fat, and ugly. I said, “Of course, I do.”

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.