Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for a man than for a woman? Because when it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

A man’s idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What’s the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures.

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the heck out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, a razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from a hotel he stayed at in 1998.

How do you know a man is about to say something smart? He starts his sentence with “My wife told me…”

Why do men like remote controls? Because it gives them a sense of control over at least one thing.

A man’s favorite movie is GoodFellas. His wife’s favorite movie is whatever is playing on the one screen at the theater that isn’t showing GoodFellas.

If a man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.

What did the man say when he walked into a bar? “Ouch.”

Why don’t men have mid-life crises? They get stuck in adolescence.

A man’s idea of a clean house is a clear path from his chair to the refrigerator.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, and she does.

Men are just like commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the waiter tells the man, “Your credit card was declined.” The man replies, “Try my wife’s. She has a much better job than I do.”

A man is talking to his friend. “I don’t know what to do. My wife is so messy. She’s always leaving her clothes all over the place.” His friend replies, “I have the same problem. My wife leaves her clothes all over the floor, the chair, the bed… but at least she’s in them.”

A man comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think there’s water in the carburetor.” The man asks, “Where’s the car?” His wife replies, “In the lake.”

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband types, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the floor laughing because the computer responds, “Error. Not long enough.”

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the doctor finished his checkup, he said, “Now, I can’t find anything wrong with you. So you’ll have to give me a good reason why you can’t do all those things.” The man replied, “Because my wife won’t let me.”

A man goes to the library and asks for a book on paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He then pulls a tiny piano and a 12-inch-tall man out of his pocket. The tiny man starts playing the piano. The bartender says, “That’s amazing! Where did you find him?” The man replies, “I found a magic lamp, and the genie granted me a wish.” The bartender says, “You should have wished for a million bucks!” The man replies, “What, and do you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

A guy is reading his newspaper and says to his wife, “It says here that women use twice as many words as men.” His wife replies, “That’s because we have to repeat everything we say.” He says, “What?”

A man is filling out a job application. He comes to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” He writes, “No.” The next question, “Why?” He writes, “I’ve never been caught.”

Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and half the time they don’t work.

A woman says to her friend, “I’ve been married for 20 years, and I’m still in love with the same man.” Her friend says, “That’s so sweet!” The first woman replies, “I know. If my husband ever finds out, he’ll kill me.”

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don’t know. It’s never happened.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?” The husband says, “Well, I suppose so.” The wife asks, “Would you let her wear my clothes?” He says, “I guess, if she wanted to.” The wife asks, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” The husband replies, “Of course not. She’s left-handed.”