“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

“I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me.” – Stephen Colbert

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison, science fiction author

“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Edgar Allan Poe

“I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.” – Noel Coward

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing
(Friends)

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Rodney
Dangerfield

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” – Lucille Ball

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Will Rogers

“I’m not sure I want to get involved in politics. I think Hitler was a lot like the Democrats, only he cared about Germany or something.” – Jackie Mason

“I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.” – Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

“I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my point of view with loud hand gestures.” – Craig Ferguson

“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll

“I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.” – Mae West

“I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing my leisure time.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I’m not shy, I’m just plotting my revenge.” – Johnny Depp