A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

My wife asked me, “Did you even hear what I just said?” I said, “Of course. It was a fascinating story, and the main character, who bears a striking resemblance to you, made some very valid points.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.

My wife says I have two main faults: I don’t listen, and something else she was telling me about.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Oh, I don’t know, dear. Just give me something with diamonds.” So I got her a deck of cards.

Marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, and a whole lot of other qualities you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.

The secret to a long marriage is to have a good sense of humor and a separate tube of toothpaste.

My wife and I have a great system. I handle all the big decisions, and she handles all the small ones. In twenty years, we haven’t had to make a single big decision.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man replies, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Marriage is not just a word. It’s a sentence… a life sentence.

My wife asked me if I would still love her if she was old, fat, and ugly. I said, “Of course, I do.”

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

A woman says to her friend, “I’ve got a new ‘mind-reading’ app on my phone.” Her friend says, “I have that too, it’s called ‘I’m fine.'”

What’s the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t complain when you want a beer.

A woman will always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new one.

The four stages of a woman’s life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus.

Why do they call it the “mother tongue”? Because the father never gets a chance to speak.

A woman’s idea of a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

How is a woman like a good wine? She gets more expensive with age.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If you want to know what a woman will be like in 20 years, listen to her mother.

My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies in our kitchen have started a collection to fix the hole in the screen.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A wife said to her husband, “Honey, I want you to whisper the three words that every woman wants to hear.” He leaned in and whispered, “You were right.”

A police officer pulls a woman over for speeding. He asks for her license and registration. After looking them over, he says, “Ma’am, it says here that you require corrective lenses.” The woman replies, “I have contacts.” The officer says, “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”

A woman was telling her friend, “I was a wonderful model. I posed for the most famous artists in the world.” Her friend asked, “Nude?” The woman replied, “Yes, but they were all gentlemen. They never started painting until I was fully clothed.”

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, I can’t sell you that. It’s a deadly poison. What do you need it for?” The woman replies, “I want to kill my husband.” The pharmacist says, “I can’t sell you arsenic to kill your husband! That’s illegal!” The woman then opens her purse and shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is looking in the mirror and says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband and says, “Say something positive to make me feel better.” He looks her up and down and says, “Well, your eyesight is still perfect.”

Two women were playing golf. One of them asks the other, “Do you have any kids?” The second woman replies, “Yes, I have a 22-year-old son.” The first woman asks, “Does he smoke?” “No, he’s never touched a cigarette.” “Does he drink?” “No, he’s never touched a drop of alcohol.” “Does he ever stay out late?” “No, he’s always in bed by 9:30.” “Well,” says the first woman, “he sounds like a model son.” “He is,” replies the second woman. “He’s also a model prisoner.”

A woman gets a new dog. She’s showing it off to her neighbor. The neighbor asks, “What’s his name?” The woman says, “I don’t know, he won’t tell me.”

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Because they’re trying to concentrate on two things at once.

A man and a woman are in a car. The woman is driving. They get to a red light and the woman puts on her lipstick. The man says, “You shouldn’t do that while you’re driving.” The woman says, “It’s okay, I’m a good driver.” The man says, “I’m not worried about your driving, I’m worried about you hitting a bump and looking like the Joker.”

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling.

A woman says to a man, “Do you think I’m pretty?” The man says, “Let’s just say you’d make a great-looking guy.”

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, “Oh, I don’t know, just give me something with diamonds.” So I got her a deck of cards.

True story: There is a law still on the books in Memphis, Tennessee. When a woman is driving a car, a man must run 15 yards ahead of her carrying a red flag. This law is seldom enforced.