“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Friends)
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.” – Paula Poundstone
“I’m a walking economy. My hairline’s in recession, my waistline is in inflation, and together they’re putting me in a deep depression.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“I have a photographic memory but sometimes forget to turn on the flash.” – Unknown
“I’m not aging, I’m just increasing in value.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my point of view with loud hand gestures.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.” – Unknown
“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.” – Unknown
“I’m not ignoring you, I’m just pretending to be busy.” – Unknown
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
“I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I’m just highly persuasive.” – Unknown
“I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
“I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing my leisure time.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just plotting my revenge.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m still right.” – Unknown